LIFE IS CRAZY!

Hi, Well I haven't written in a while...a long while...opps! But life is busy when ya got a running toddler, a husband and a job.  But oh well, here I am... and I'm about to let you know how real life is.

Life is really real right now.  Maybe you could have gathered from reading my posts, that sometimes, they're a bit of a "downer".  Well I have a real reason for that now.  In May I got let go from teaching job at the Preschool due to lack of students.  After that, and the loss of income it involved, I really hit my rock bottom.  I was just low.  So I sucked it up and went to the doctor.  I needed help with my depression.  I honestly think I've been suffering from depression for most of my life.  At least since high school.  I have a huge chemical deficit in my body and it just makes me sad, angry, easily upset, stressed out.  I just didn't like this "me" anymore.  The doctor diagnosed me with "dysthymia".  It is essentially where a person is always in a "low state" and has periods of "extra" depression.  It's a long term illness and can go unnoticed or untreated for years as the person thinks that it must just be life as normal.

Well I was tired of my "normal".  I needed help.  So my doctor put me on an anti-depressant.  All I can say is...whoa! That sure was wonderful!  I felt so much better.  I didn't know that someone didn't have to feel crappy all the time.  I was happy, I wasn't angry all the time, I was able to deal with upsets that came my way easily.  My husband noticed a HUGE difference, my counsellor called me a new woman.  I totally was.  I say was because, I had to stop taking the medication. Due to my feeling better, I was more, ahem, active in our marriage.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.  So low and behold when you do that more, something usually happens...and it did... WE'RE PREGNANT WITH OUR SECOND CHILD! Now I'm EXTREMELY happy with this pregnancy.  No, it's not the best timing, but when in life is anything ever going to come just right?  So due to the fact that a lil human is growing in me, my doc and I thought it best if I stopped my anti-depressants.  I wasn't too happy about this, because well...life has gone back to....before :(

I feel upset, sad, angry, lifeless again.  I hate it.  I love my pregnancy and future baby but being depressed while pregnant can cause issues as well.  So I"m going to do some major research.  Research about pregnancy and anti-depressants use.  I will do what's best for myself, my baby and my family.  I know some people won't agree with decisions I make, but oh well, it's my life and I need to make those decisions for us.

So anyway, that's what I've been up to.  I will try and keep this updated with my struggles because writing totally helps me work thru things and make sense of it all. 

Learning

Well, recently life has not been good. Things have been down-right bad. I got laid off from full-time teaching position due to lack of students/enrollment. I'm not sure where to go after this. I am a certified teacher but teaching positions in this area are quite hard to come by.

I'm learning to live with uncertainty. I'm learning to live with my current life and it's tough. Big decisions have come about and I've had to make some tough calls for myself. I'm learning that my expectations don't always match with God's plans for my life. It's tough to accept that, and I'm learning...

I'm not quite sure where this post is going....but I needed to vent! Thanks for listening :)

The Many Faces of Zachary